Yes, I know. It has been a while. Lately I have been dealing with some mother/daughter issues that many of us face. My beautiful daughter is at that rebellious stage where she wants to pull away and assert her independence. She shudders when I tell her that her stuffed animals want to talk to her and snuggle at night. She reminds me that we did that when she was eight (ten really) and now she is too big for that. She may be but I am not. I knew it was coming, not just this soon.
What she doesn't understand is that I did it for myself as much as I did it for her. Making the animals talk and dance, play and fight! What joy for me and the child inside! I needed to be a mommy. I want to be a mommy. Now I'm just "mom", and that's ok too.
Being a mommy is everything to me, and probably always will be. Yes, I do other things and have many other interests. But being a mommy means that I was needed when there was a tear to be wiped away, or monsters to be shooed out from under the bed. Mommies have magic and can do the most courageous things!
My daughter does remind me however, that "Mom" is still very much needed and constantly in demand. "Mom, can we go pick up my friends, NOW???!!!" "Mom, can you make some brownies???" "I love you, Mom!"
I am the kind of Mom that I wish I had had, but didn't. I am the kind of Mom that my daughter's friends love to be around and because of that my job is never done. Even though I have hung up my Mommy cape and tights, I am not retired. I am on guard, as moms are supposed to be. You know where to find me.
Andy
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Phoenix Rising
I truely am grateful for so many things. It was a glorious day, still a bit chilly out but the sun was warm and welcoming. I am tired of the winter and look forward to the coming spring and the hot sticky days of summer. I went about my day, immersed in the details of work...planning, thinking....a productive well-spent day. As I drove home I was wholly contented with the joyous normalacy of my life. A pleasant home, a devoted and caring husband, a beautiful and lovely daughter, a complilation of all good things.
Looking back on the chasm that once was I never saw this coming, but guard my gifts with ferocious intent. It is way too wonderful not to. I look back to see how far I have come. I am a long way from where I used to be. As I nestle next to the wide shoulders of my sleeping husband I am again comforted. A simple pleasure but greatly satisifying. Home is finally a peaceful place.
Andy
Looking back on the chasm that once was I never saw this coming, but guard my gifts with ferocious intent. It is way too wonderful not to. I look back to see how far I have come. I am a long way from where I used to be. As I nestle next to the wide shoulders of my sleeping husband I am again comforted. A simple pleasure but greatly satisifying. Home is finally a peaceful place.
Andy
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A Day Late and A Dollar Short
There are many things in my life that I have wished for over the years. Some have been grand and desperately out of reach. Others have been more necessary, a warm hand to hold, the love of a good man. Some things I thought I would never have, and yet came to me unbidden. In some things I have been lucky. I others I have drawn the shortest straw.
Many children, given the opportunity would undoubtedly chose the mother they were given. She makes the best oatmeal cookies, cuts the crust from sandwiches just right, and smells like all good things rolled into one. I would have done nothing of the sort. The mother I was given was none of those things. Her language was course and angry, her temperament distant and cold. She was addicted to gambling and obsessed with the notion that as a young girl, that not only was I sexually active with my father, my brothers or any other male but also that it was her duty to cure me of this ailment by beating it out of me. Although she failed as a mother in all other ways, this was a vocation that suited her well. When she was not destroying my body and psyche, she was attempting to win it big at the OTB. At that, she was a total failure.
Of course nothing was ever her fault. It was others who conspired against her that caused all her failures. I didn't know it then but it was her borderline personality that caused us all so much pain and despair. We have all been injured by her madness, some more than others. We all need help, yet few seek it.
I have been lucky. Surely you have too. I have a warm hand to hold and the love of a really good man. My dreams are bad some nights and others a bit more peaceful. I have memories that will never fall away. There is little I can do about that. I am still lucky. And you can bet on that.
Andy
Many children, given the opportunity would undoubtedly chose the mother they were given. She makes the best oatmeal cookies, cuts the crust from sandwiches just right, and smells like all good things rolled into one. I would have done nothing of the sort. The mother I was given was none of those things. Her language was course and angry, her temperament distant and cold. She was addicted to gambling and obsessed with the notion that as a young girl, that not only was I sexually active with my father, my brothers or any other male but also that it was her duty to cure me of this ailment by beating it out of me. Although she failed as a mother in all other ways, this was a vocation that suited her well. When she was not destroying my body and psyche, she was attempting to win it big at the OTB. At that, she was a total failure.
Of course nothing was ever her fault. It was others who conspired against her that caused all her failures. I didn't know it then but it was her borderline personality that caused us all so much pain and despair. We have all been injured by her madness, some more than others. We all need help, yet few seek it.
I have been lucky. Surely you have too. I have a warm hand to hold and the love of a really good man. My dreams are bad some nights and others a bit more peaceful. I have memories that will never fall away. There is little I can do about that. I am still lucky. And you can bet on that.
Andy
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