Even though it has been quite some time since I have written, in many ways very little has changed. The winter into the spring into the fall finds me still bewildered that I have been unable to mentally detach myself from the ruin that is my mother.
I would love to say that I am a more contented and sunny person. I would like nothing better than to say that I have laid the heaviest of my burdens and concerns to rest and can now dance merrily away, my step and soul so light as if I had never known the weight of such personal pain. I would like to proclaim that I have made a lasting peace with her and that the forgiveness in my heart is true. But I can say none of those things. I can only say that I continue to strive to be the best person that I can be.
Still here.
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Still here.
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Sometimes that's all you can do. You have to do whats right for YOU regardless of what your mother (or anyone else) does or says. You gotta look out for your own personal, spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental well being. Do that as much as you can and the pain will not be as strong. It will still be there (maybe forever even) but the stronger you become within yourself, the less it matters what she does or that you havent made amends. I know that sounds cheesy or like something from a self help book, but its really what I've learned on my own for myself over the years of my struggles.
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